The Pants War
by TexasKingoftheGeeks
Summary: Po and Monkey get into a war of the pants. The winner gets all the cookies he can eat! The loser streaks through the Valley! Based off a one-shot by Broken Soldier. (My personal problems that made me delete this story earlier have been resolved. We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic)
1. It Begins

Po awoke to the smell of freshly baked cookies. He followed the scent to the kitchen and found Monkey pulling a fresh batch of his famously delicious almond cookies. It wasn't often Monkey baked cookies. He wanted to keep them special, so he only cooked them once in a blue moon.

Po knew Monkey wouldn't let him have some immediately, and even then he'd only get one. He'd have to sneak some from him. Po hid behind a plant and when Monkey left the room, Po dashed in. Monkey put the cookies in a jar on the top shelf. On the jar was a note. "Touch these cookies and suffer embarrassment. This means you, Po." Po smirked. What kind of embarrassment could he get if Monkey didn't find out? Plus, he'd already left the room. Po reached up and tried to grab ahold of the jar, but it was just out of reach for him.

Po pulled a chair over and stepped up onto it. The cookie jar was still slightly out of reach, but Po managed to get his paws on the jar. Po tried to lift up the jar, but it seemed to be stuck. "Hmm? C'mon! Monkey'll be back any minute!" shouted Po as he continued to tug on it.

Little did he know that as he pulled, Monkey had snuck back into the room. Monkey knew Po would try to steal his cookies, so he put a little glue on the bottom of the jar. That'd keep Po busy long enough.

Monkey crept up behind the still distracted Po and grabbed ahold of his burlap pants. With one swift motion, Monkey pulled Po's pants down. _"Where's that breeze coming from?"_ Po thought. He shook off the thought and immediately went back to the jar. Monkey tried not to burst out laughing to keep up his prank as long as possible, but it wasn't easy.

Just then, the rest of the Five came in to breakfast, and got an eyeful of Po's bare butt. "Po!" shouted Viper as she covered her eyes. Po turned around, still oblivious to his lack of pants. "Oh, morning, guys!" He then noticed Monkey. "Oh, Monkey, uh, I wasn't stealing your cookies or anything! I just… was… getting…" Po grabbed a cook book off the shelf, "This!"  
"Po, look down," said an unamused Tigress. Po looked down and screamed. He then used the cook book to cover himself. "I warned you!" said Monkey still stifling laughter.  
"That's it, Monkey, I challenge you to a duel!"  
"What kind of duel?"  
"A Pants War!"  
"Okay, sounds good. We go for a week. Whoever is pantsed last loses!"  
"The winner gets to have all the cookies!"  
"And the loser runs through the Valley without pants!"  
"Deal!"

They shook paws on it. "This is gonna be a scarring few days…" sulked Crane. "I think I'll just hide in my room for a week or two…" said Viper. "Prepare to lose, Monkey," said Po as he hopped off the chair and walked out accidentally leaving his pants behind on the chair. "Uh, Po, you forgot-!"  
"Let him figure it out for himself, Mantis," interrupted Monkey.

Suddenly, they heard another scream from Po from outside.


	2. Score 1

A few hours later, Mantis hopped into the training hall find Po lying on his stomach drawing up some plans to get Monkey. "Uh, hey, Po."  
"Oh! Mantis! Glad you're here! I need you for the Pants War."  
"What?"  
"I need you to keep score."  
"Why?"  
"Monkey'll try to say that he pantsed me more than I did him. We need someone to keep track so we don't end up where we don't know who won."  
"Ugh, fine. I'll do it."  
"Great! I've already got a plan to get Monkey before he can get me!" Po stood up quickly and heard a loud rip. He looked down to see his pants stuck to the floor. "MONKEY!"  
"Monkey one, you zero."

Po went back for another pair of pants with Mantis behind him. "Monkey is so gonna get it!"  
"Dude, you're never gonna beat him."  
"I will. My plan is foolproof!"  
"Well, in case it's not, at least put on some underwear. I don't wanna have to keep looking at your naked butt this whole week."  
"Fine," said Po as he got out a pair of his old briefs and slipped them on, "Better?"  
"Not much. And briefs, really?"  
"Says the guy who doesn't wear clothes at all."


	3. Po makes his move

Within minutes, Po and Mantis were spying on Monkey at the market. "Look at him. He has no idea what's coming."  
"Or, maybe he does and is gonna humiliate you again."  
"Not this time. Those pants are coming down."

As soon as Monkey stopped to talk to someone, Po started to sneak over. Po hid behind carts so Monkey wouldn't see him coming. "So, I was at the noodle shop," continued Monkey, "eating a bowl of Mr. Ping's Secret Ingredient Soup…"

The cart Po was hiding behind suddenly began to move. Po quickly dashed behind another. "…I was just minding my own business when suddenly, this huge oxen comes out of nowhere and sits at my table looking real serious…"

Po peeked over the cart, eyeing his target and making sure his plan would go off without a hitch. Just then, a goat walked up. "Uh, why are you hiding behind my cart?"  
"Quiet! Monkey might hear you," said Po quietly.  
"Well, either buy something or move out of the way."  
"Just a minute."

"…I figured he just wanted a meal, so I continued to eat." Po knew the rest of this story. Now was his chance to make a move and give a clever quip as well. Po started to sneak up behind Monkey. "…Suddenly, he looks me dead in the eye and says 'I see you like to chew. Maybe you should chew-!"  
"WITHOUT YOUR PANTS!"  
"Yeah… Wait, what?"

Po grabbed ahold of Monkey's pants and yanked them down. Monkey was now standing there naked with his pants around his ankles. Po ran off laughing while Monkey pulled up his pants. "I'll get you back, Po!"


	4. Rip 'em

Po went to his dad's noodle shop to celebrate his first victory against Monkey. He and Mantis took a table near the entrance. "Man, did you see Monkey's face? Hah! Priceless!"  
"I was trying to look away, to be honest."  
"Well, once we have lunch, we'll get on with my next plan."  
"Y'know Monkey's just gonna get you back again before you get ahead."  
"Nah, there's no way he could possibly do that."

Meanwhile, Monkey was walking through town muttering to himself. "I can't believe that I fell for that! Gotta come up with a plan to get Po back…." Monkey looked around and then saw Po at Ping's. " _Hmm, there he is… Now how to get him…"_

Monkey looked around for anything that could help him de-pants Po. Unfortunately nothing useful was around, but then he noticed a loose thread from Po's pants. Po's pants usually had loose threads from being patched together so many times. Monkey smiled evilly, his plan was flawless.

"And then, just when Monkey thinks he's safe… I'm gonna-!"  
"Hey, guys!" said Monkey as he walked up to the table.  
"Monkey!" shouted Po as he grabbed on to his pants tight. "Relax, Po. I'm not gonna just pants you right now. I just thought I'd join you guys for lunch."  
"Hmm… Okay, but I've got my eye on you."

As they ate lunch, Monkey tried to keep suspicion off himself as he set up his plan. Ever so carefully, Monkey used his tail to tie the loose thread to the chair. Then, Monkey noticed Po's underwear showing a little and got a little extra idea.

After lunch was finished, Monkey stood up. "Well, I'm going back to do some training. See you guys later!" Monkey walked out trying not to laugh. "Hmm. I wonder what that was all about," said Mantis suspiciously. "Ah, probably nothing. C'mon, let's go get to work on my next plan to get Monkey." Po stood up and began to walk off, not noticing the thread slowly unraveling. "Uh, Po…." Po didn't hear him. Suddenly, the thread was pulled completely out and Po's pants fell completely apart, leaving him just his underwear. Suddenly, Po heard snickering from everyone around him. "What's everyone snickering about?"  
"Monkey 2, Po 1."

Po looked down and screamed. He tried to cover up his undies. He was blushing so hard, his fur had started to turn pink. "Monkey!"  
"You called?" asked Monkey as he peeped in, "Nice underwear, by the way. I never would have took you for the briefs type."  
"I'm gonna get you for this," said Po as he started his embarrassing walk back to the Palace for more pants. "Oh, Po, one more thing before you go."  
"What now?"

Po turned to see Monkey holding onto a rope. "What's with the rope?"  
"Let's just say, Po 1, Monkey 3."  
"What do you mean by-?"

Suddenly, Monkey pulled the rope, ripping Po's briefs right off his butt. Po shrieked at his sudden nudity and ran as fast as he could back to the Jade Palace.


	5. Gluedunnit

The next day, Po's naked run was talked about all over. People were snickering as he walked by. "Man, if they're still snickering about your short streak yesterday, imagine how long they'll be laughing when you have to streak all over the Valley."  
"That's not gonna happen, Mantis. I'm gonna beat Monkey."  
"How? He's already two pantsings ahead of you."  
"Well, he won't get double points again."  
"Don't tell me you're—"  
"Going commando again? You bet your antennae I am."

Just then, Po caught sight of Monkey telling some more people about yesterday and showing off his prize, Po's torn briefs. He was flaunting them like a trophy. Po looked around for a way to get him, and then a bucket of glue caught his eye. Po smiled and snuck over to the glue.

Moving slowly so Monkey wouldn't see him, Po grabbed a brush that was nearby and spread some of the glue on the chair near Monkey. Monkey sat down and looked pretty content. He held up the briefs again and giggled to himself.

Po walked over to the apple cart and picked on up, only to "accidentally" drop it. Po bent down to tease Monkey a bit. He knew Monkey wouldn't be able to resist trying to pants him in this position.

Monkey watched and saw Po ripe for the pantsing. It'd be easy. He'd run over and yank them down before Po knew what'd happened. He got up quickly, and heard a loud "shhhhhhripppppp!" Monkey looked down in horror to find himself exposed once more and his pants stuck to the chair. He looked up and found Po smiling. "What's the matter, Monkey? Didn't you know that the chair was freshly painted?" Monkey looked over and saw the glue sitting next to the chair. "Good one, but I'm still ahead," said Monkey as he covered himself with Po's briefs and walked back to the Palace.


	6. The Slingshot

Monkey got back to the Palace, only to see Master Shifu meditating in the courtyard. _"I can't let Shifu see me like this. He'll make me do extra training for a month!"_ thought Monkey as he hid behind a wall. _"I've gotta get in there, but how?"_ Then, Monkey spied a tree looming over the wall. "Hmm…"

Monkey quickly climbed the tree to the very top. He was still away from the door, but he was at least out of Shifu's sight. _"Now how do I get over to the door? If only I had a zip line or a…"_ Monkey looked over and spied two branches side-by-side. Then he looked down at Po's briefs again, especially at the waistband. _"…Slingshot,"_ thought Monkey with a grin.

Monkey tied the waistband to both branches and positioned himself where he'd land inside the open door. _"Only got one shot,"_ Monkey thought as he started to stretch it back. Monkey closed his eyes and let go.

Unfortunately, he didn't make it to the door. The Slingshot wasn't strong enough. Monkey fell out of the tree and into a bush below. Shifu opened one eye and looked around. "Is someone here? Show yourself." Monkey knew he was caught, so he raised up out of the bush. "Monkey? What are you doing in there?"  
 _"C'mon, Monkey think of something!"_  
"Uhh, I was… Pulling a prank on Po!"  
Shifu facepalmed. "Another prank? What is it this time?"  
"I was… stringing his underwear up the tree! See?" Monkey motioned to the branch where Po's undies still hung.  
"Monkey…"

Monkey was sure that Shifu was about to let him have it and then he'd get caught in the nude. "…just get them down from the tree. I'm going inside," said Shifu as he started walking.  
"Don't worry, they'll come down!"

Monkey looked at them just blowing in the wind, and then he got an idea. "Hmm, that could work!" Monkey looked down and was reminded he was still naked. "Better get some pants first…"


	7. The Tree

Meanwhile, Po and Mantis were walking up the stairs. "Monkey's cookies are as good as mine!"  
"Don't get cocky, Po. He's still one pantsing ahead of you."  
"Yeah, but there's no way he'll get another one on me."

They stopped by the tree that Monkey had hung Po's undies from. _"Now's my chance!"_ thought Monkey from the top of the tree. Monkey had strung some rope from the top of the tree and was gonna swoop down and yank Po's pants down before he even knew he was there. Monkey jumped down at Po.

"Hey, Mantis, do you hear something?" Suddenly, Po felt Monkey grab ahold of the waistband of his pants. Unfortunately, Monkey hadn't gotten a long enough rope. The recoil caused him to yank Po's shorts up into a painful wedgie. Po screamed in pain at the wedgie and turned around. He saw Monkey suddenly drop into view from the recoil. "Oh, uh, hey, Po!"  
"Nice try, Monkey, but wedgies don't count." Po suddenly realized. "Right, Mantis?" he asked hoping it didn't count. "Nope. Pants must be completely off to count."  
"Ha!"  
"It would have worked if this rope was longer."

Po grabbed ahold of Monkey. "Pants you later, Monkey!" Po said before tossing him back over the wall. "Uh, Po, you won't be pantsing him later."  
"Of course I will. He hasn't won yet!"  
"No, I mean you won't be pantsing him later because you just did."

Po looked up in the tree and saw Monkey's pants hanging from the rope. Po couldn't help but laugh at the sight of them just hanging there. "Looks like you guys are tied now."  
"Yup! I'm gonna go get some victory lunch!" Po started walking down the stairs, not remembering to fix the wedgie that he got from Monkey. His shorts had been pulled so high that his butt cheeks were fully visible.

"Uh, Po. Po!" Mantis called, but Po was already out of earshot. "Eh, he'll figure it out soon…. I hope…"


	8. The Undie Agreement

That night, Po walked into Monkey's room. Monkey was putting another pair of pants on. "Hey, Monk."  
"Good to see you finally fixed your shorts. How many people got to see your butt?"  
"Oh, not that many, just… everyone at the noodle shop…."

Monkey stifled laughter at that thought. "Anyways, I was thinking we'd come to some sort of agreement on something."  
"Are you backing out of the challenge? You'll still have to streak through the valley."  
"No, no, that's not it. I was thinking to preserve some of the winner's dignity, we'd wear underwear and not make it give double points."  
"Hmm… Okay, deal."  
"Awesome. See you at training tomorrow!" Po started to walk out.  
"Wait, Po. You forgot something!"  
Po turned, "What?"  
"These!" Monkey said as he held up Po's pants. Po looked down and covered himself. "How do you do that?"  
"Lots of practice. Better go put on some underwear," Monkey snarked.


	9. Sparring!

The next day at training, Monkey was fidgeting nearly constantly. It'd been so long since he wore underwear, he wasn't used to wearing it. He may have been wearing boxer shorts, but he felt constricted.

"Today, we will be having one on one sparring matches," started Shifu, "the first pair is going to be Tigress versus Viper."

As Tigress and Viper entered the arena, Monkey couldn't help but look over at Po. He wasn't fidgeting at all. Truth be told, Po flip-flopped between wearing underwear and going commando. It wasn't very often he wore his briefs, but it was enough that he was used to wearing them.

"Very good," said Shifu suddenly. Monkey looked over and saw that Tigress and Viper had finished their sparring match and were bowing to Shifu. _"Aw! I missed it!"_ Monkey thought angrily. "The next battle will be Crane versus Mantis."

Crane and Mantis entered the arena. Po glanced over at Monkey, who was tugging on his pants. _"Heh, he must not be used to wearing underwear,"_ Po thought while grinning. Monkey had stopped wearing underwear when he was a teenager. He felt going commando would help him move quicker and easier. After he and Po made that little pact to start wearing underwear to keep at least part of each other's dignity, Monkey had to go out to the market to buy more.

"Excellent work," said Shifu. Po looked over and frowned that he missed the sparring match. "Now, Po and Monkey, you two will spar."  
 _"He's probably going to pants me while we spar. I'd better come up with a plan."  
"Monkey is probably trying to think of a way to pull my pants down during our fight. I've gotta come up with a way to get his pants off first."_

Po and Monkey faced each other and bowed, smirking at each other. "Begin!" Shifu announced. Monkey lunged at Po, who dodged and flung him back by his tail. Po ran at Monkey, who tripped him with his tail. Just then, Monkey grabbed ahold and spun Po around. Dizzily, Po made his way towards Monkey. Monkey jumped in the air and sprung off of Po's back. Po turned around and got back into fighting stance. Then, Monkey held up Po's belt in his paw. Po's shorts fell to the ground, exposing his undies to Shifu and the Five.  
"Aaah!" Po screamed as he yanked his shorts up. Po looked up to see Tigress facepalming, Crane with his beak wide open, viper hiding her eyes, and Shifu rolling his eyes. "I'm gonna get you for that Monkey! Give me back my belt!"  
"You'll have to come and get it, droopy pants!"

Po fought Monkey for the belt. It was hard trying to fight one-pawed. Po desperately tried to get his belt back and keep his pants up. Just then, Monkey made an error in dodging Po, giving him an opening. Po grabbed ahold of Monkey's belt and pulled it clean off him, causing his boxers to be exposed. Po raised Monkey's belt over his head in victory. "Yes! I told you I'd get you!"  
"PANDA! Pull up your pants!" shouted Shifu. Po looked down to see he'd accidentally let his pants drop again. "Whoops!" Po said as he pulled his shorts back up and blushed. "That's enough training for now. I need to go meditate," Shifu said trying to forget what just happened.


	10. The Final Day

Throughout the rest of the week, Po and Monkey stayed pretty much tied. Neither one could get the upper paw on the other for long. Po pantsed Monkey and Monkey pantsed Po right back. It was near stalemate.

On the morning of the final day of The Pants War, Po was ahead by one pantsing. The previous day at training, he'd manage to clip Monkey's belt with a spiked training dummy. Monkey had to get him twice today or he'd lose. "Not today, Panda," he whispered as he exited his room for roll call. Monkey had a plan. He'd kept a small knife in his back pocket. He knew it'd come in handy for a quick pantsing. Po wouldn't even have time to react before his shorts hit the floor.

Po knew he'd won. Today was the last day. Just a few more hours and he'd be lounging outside eating cookies and watching Monkey run through the streets naked. Po didn't even bother putting his briefs on today. He knew he wouldn't need them. Little did Po know that Monkey had snuck up behind him.

 _"Another point for Monkey!"_ Monkey thought to himself. He took out the knife, grabbed Po's belt, and sliced it apart. Po's shorts immediately dropped to the floor. Monkey walked back over to his room door. Po hadn't even noticed. Then Shifu walked in front of Po. "Panda!"  
"Good morning, Master Shifu!"  
"You're naked!"  
"No I'm-!" Po looked down and covered himself in embarrassment. "Cover yourself, panda!"  
"Yes, Master Shifu!" Po shouted as he quickly ran back into his room for more pants.

Shifu looked down and saw Monkey's knifework on Po's belt. Suddenly, he understood what had happened. Po ran back out with another pair of pants. His last pair, to be exact. "Monkey, Po, Training hall. **NOW**."


	11. The Streak

"You two are acting like children with this pantsing battle!"  
"Uh, it's actually called The Pants War," Said Po out of turn. Shifu shot him a dirty look, and Po shrunk back. "Not only have you exposed each other multiple times, but you have also been using up valuable training time. What do you have to say for yourselves?"  
"Monkey started it! He pulled my pants down in the kitchen!"  
"Because you were trying to steal my cookies! You're the one that came up with the bet!"

Shifu heard the word bet and motioned for them to stop talking. "What bet?" he asked. "Uh, it's nothing," Po said trying to cover that part up. Shifu shot him another dirty look. "Okay, Monkey and I made a bet that whoever pantsed the other the most times would get all the cookies."  
"And the loser would have to streak through the Valley of Peace…"  
"Today was the last day…"  
"And I tied it all up."

Shifu smiled. He had the perfect punishment. "Well then…" Shifu walked over, grabbed ahold of their pants, and with one swift motion ripped both pairs completely off leaving not more than shreads. Po and Monkey shrieked and covered themselves. "Get running."  
"WHAT?!" they both shouted in unison. "You heard me. Start running. You made this bet, and I say you both lost. You'd better hurry if you wanna get through the whole Valley quickly."

Po and Monkey immediately started running. They ran down the stairs and began to streak through the valley completely naked. Some laughed, some stared, and some covered the eyes of children. Shifu and the rest of the Five munched on cookies while Po and Monkey ran through the streets.

"We're never gonna live this down…" Monkey said. "Yeah…" Po replied, "What's worse is that was my last pair of pants."  
"Mine too…."


	12. Epilogue

"Well, that was humiliating…" Monkey said as he and Po walked up the Jade Palace stairs after their streak through the Valley. "Yeah… We'll probably be laughed at for weeks…"  
"These next few weeks are gonna be even more brutal than what we just did."  
"Especially since I don't have any more pants to put on. It'll be awhile before dad can stitch my old ones back together."  
"And I'll have to get Zeng to go down to the market and get me a new pair."  
"What are we going to wear until then?"  
"Well, we still have our underwear…"  
"Hoo boy…"

Over the next few days, Po and Monkey wore nothing but their underwear. The others were not pleased with how they were dressed, but at least they didn't have to see the two naked anymore. Within a few days, Mr. Ping brought Po some freshly stitched together pants and Zeng brought Monkey a new pair as well. "Thanks, dad!" Po said as he slipped the new pair on over his briefs. "Thank you, Zeng," Monkey said as he put his on.

Monkey looked over and saw the waistband of Po's undies peeking out of the back of his pants and got an idea. He snuck over behind Po, grabbed ahold of the waistband, and jerked his undies high into a wedgie. "Blazing Butt Shot!" Monkey shouted, his little pet name for that move. Po held his behind in pain. "I'm gonna get you for that, Monkey!"  
"You'll have to catch me first!" Monkey said running away. Po was practically waddling as he tried to catch up to him. "This isn't over, Monkey! The War of Wedgies is on and I'm gonna win!"  
"Good luck, Panda!"


End file.
